A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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