pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
