there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
