y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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