im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
