but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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