I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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