i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
