You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
