I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
