I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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