He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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