Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
