I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
