weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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