Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
