I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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