we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
