the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
