did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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