Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
