I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
