Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
