Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
