3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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