suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
