People with herpes should wear stickers.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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