I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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