bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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