NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
