I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
