someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
