If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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