You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
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What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
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Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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