I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
