ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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