forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
