Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I understand Curling. That high.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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