I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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