i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
