she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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