I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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