and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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