my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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