My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
