I faked an abortion last night.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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