he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
