Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize