I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
