I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
