She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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