I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
