New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
