I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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