i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
