My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
