I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
