I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
