You just made me feel so damn special
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
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i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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