i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
