there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
we're making bets on your personal life
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
