I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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